The Evil Persons Association Convention
by MindlesslyRhyming
Summary: Voldemort attends the Evil Persons Association Convention, and meets his evil counterparts. Crack!fic Drabble. Please Review.
1. The Evil Persons Association Convention

**At the Biennial Evil Persons Association Convention:**

"Good evening", the man with the toothbrush moustache said, "are you a Jew?"

Voldemort looked at the man oddly. "What's a Jew?"

The man looked him up and down. "Well, you're definitely not an Aryan, you don't have blue eyes, you don't have blonde hair..."

Voldemort looked coldly at the man. No one got away with insulting the Dark Lord.

"Listen here, you mudblood..."

The man drew himself up as high as he could, which wasn't much as he was quite short.

"No one insults Adolf Hitler, the Fuhrer of Germany. Gestapo, arrest this man. He is a complication to the Third Reich, the Motherland, my world domination, and the blood purity policy. Eliminate the threat!"

"Well, no one orders the Dark Lord around! Death Eaters, back me up!"

"Now Adolf, calm down. I thought you signed a non-aggression pact before coming here?"

A fat, jolly man approached the group, with a giant moustache that belonged on a Pringles chips can.

"Joseph, stay out of this, you Communist!"

"Don't insult me, you Nazi!"

"Power-hungry, paranoid dictator!"

"Fascist, self-righteous idiot!"

A man approached Voldemort, twirling a dagger.

"This party bores me, want to stab everybody?"

"Personally, I'd rather Crucio and Avada Kedavra them, and who are you?"

"Me, I'm Vlad the Impaler." And with that, the man reached out and stabbed the nearest man within reach.

"Ahhh! Et tu, Brute?"

The victim, clad in his signature toga and his laurel wreath headgear, fell down and died.

"Ahh, but you'd have to agree, the guillotine is the funnest, yes?"

A man wearing an expensive suit with a heavy French accent, walked over. He reached out and shook Voldemort and Vlad's hands (the ones that weren't holding weapons).

"Maximilien Robespierre, how do you do? Well, as I was saying," he gesticulated wildly, obviously passionate about his favourite method of killing, "the guillotine is wonderful. Just pull the string, and the heads roll off!"

Robespierre's wild hand movements hit another guest, who shrieked loudly, and started to sob.

"So sorry, Charles, didn't see you there."

"Of course you didn't, I'm made of glass, and now you've broken me!"

And then Charles VI of France began to chant: "Ping ping ping ping ping ping ping..."

"What's the idiot doing?", Voldemort whispered to Vlad.

"Oh, it's nothing, he's mad, like the rest of us but worse, not quite evil but the Judging Panel decided he could join, thinks he's made of glass, nothing to worry about, just the sound of him breaking..."

"Ping ping ping ping ping ping ping..."

The End.

A/N: This is the product of me going high after exams and taking Full History (and loving it).


	2. The Guide To World Domination

Voldemort, having attended Adolf's talk about how to achieve infamy, decided to buy a copy of the evil person's best-seller, the Mien Kampf. Having read it, he realised that in order to gain total control, it was essential to gain control of the media first, then via extensive brainwashing and propaganda, to create a cult of personality, as well as to grow a distinctive moustache. After all, every single successful dictator had one. He decided that he would be original in his concept, and set about finding one that would make him not look too strange.

It was only after extensive research that he came upon a step-by-step approach to world domination, that guaranteed total success if one followed all the steps. He excitedly opened it and began reading.

Step one: make yourself known. If nobody knows who you are, you will never achieve world domination.

"Well, that is easy enough. I already am widely known as the dark lord."

Step two: gain control of the media. Spread the message that you are great, powerful and unstoppable. Use various forms of media to spread propaganda, and brainwash people so that they follow you.

Voldemort realised that he already had control of the ministry of magic, but had not looked into propaganda. He promptly sent Death Eaters to all newspapers and commissioned the Weird Sisters to write some songs proclaiming his greatness. He then looked decided that he would read the next step.

Step 3: create a cult of personality. Portray yourself as a responsible leader who will take care of your people and lead them to greatness. Have some unique feature so as to distinguish yourself from others. Growing a moustache is highly advisable.

A few weeks later, the general Wizarding public was disturbed to find that their dictator was sporting the "Salvador Dali vanilla bean" moustache, which was indeed, striking. However, it also became clear that the moustache was dangerous, as it left a huge number of hospital cases of third-degree chest pains and stitches in its wake.

Voldemort frowned for the umpteenth time that day. Even he could see that it was not having a desirable effect on his cult of personality. He grudgingly picked up he guide and read the final step.

Step four: if anyone opposes you, dispose of them in a gruesome manner. This will make you feared.

Voldemort sighed in relief. He had already done this step, and was possibly his first step that he had managed to complete. He hen read the disclaimer at the end..

This is the end of the guide. The results are guaranteed if you do these things in chronological order. Otherwise, world domination may not happen.

Oh dear...


End file.
